Her husband gives her permission to see old boyfriend

A woman writes in to Savage Love this week saying that she's been in contact with a former boyfriend. "My loving, GGG [good, giving, game] husband says that I can help my old flame out if I wish. What would you do in this situation?" writes the woman, who signs herself Chick with 2 Dicks.

"What would I do?" Dan begins his reply. "Besides thank my lucky stars, kiss my loving, GGG husband, and fuck the shit out of the other guy?"

Turns out there are a few pitfalls. Read the full column to learn more.

Spreading santorum

I don't usually get into politics here, but this is too much:

WASHINGTON — Former Sen. Rick Santorum's crushing 18-point loss in his 2006 re-election bid in Pennsylvania seems an unlikely launching pad for a White House run.

Yet the outspoken conservative, once a rising star in the GOP, has gotten an early jump on the 2012 Republican presidential nomination, with visits to early primary and caucus states, including New Hampshire, Iowa and South Carolina. He's hired two veteran GOP operatives in Iowa and one in New Hampshire.

Let's not forget what "santorum" means and why it's called what it is.

The Pegged Boyfriend

The Gap has jeans that it calls "The New Pegged Boyfriend." I can introduce them to some old pegged boyfriends if they're interested. As various bloggers have pointed out, apparently the brain trust at the Gap has never used the Internet before (and they've certainly never browsed this blog).

(From Consumerist and Dan Savage at the Portland Mercury via Violet Blue's Tiny Nibbles)

Anal sex: doing it right

In a blog post, sex advice columnist Dan Savage reads a column by professional scold Michael Medved and sums up his attitude as Lesbians Make My Dick Hard...but gay guys? Not so much.

Medved:

The most common sexual practice between two men involves an act of aggression—inflicting more pain than pleasure for at least one of the parties.

Savage:

Um, gee. I don't mean to toss sand into Michael's lube, but... straight people have anal sex too. Lots of anal sex. And they like it.

And anyone who's "inflicting more pain than pleasure" during sex—anally, orally, vaginally—is doing it wrong.

Vickie sums up:

1. Lots of different people -- male-female couples and female-female couples, as well as male-male couples -- have anal sex. You just need a partner, and at least one of you needs to have an anus. (You don't even need a partner.)
2. Believe it or not, some gay men don't have anal sex at all. Would that make them less disgusting to those like Medved who want to judge people by what they do in bed?
3. And let's not forget Dan's last point: if you're inflicting more pain than pleasure, you're doing it wrong.

I recommend reading the whole post.

Tonight is New Year's Eve. I hope you stay safe and that you're able to give someone some pleasure. See you again in 2011.

Attention, LGBT teens: It gets better!

It's usually fun and games here at Vickie P.'s blog, but I need to get serious about something today.

If you read this blog regularly, you're probably interested in men engaging in gay and bisexual acts. (Let me just say right now that any videos of said acts that I have linked to or written about depict consenting adults who freely agreed to having their activities filmed and made public, to the best of my knowledge.) I hope that you sometimes think about the lives of these men and that you want them to be healthy and happy, not just bodies who sport in the bedroom for our enjoyment.

As you probably know, there have been several incidents recently in which gay teens (and teens whose peers assumed they were gay) have been harassed to the point of suicide. Sex advice columnist Dan Savage has an idea: let these kids know it gets better.

As he wrote last week:

I had the same reaction: I wish I could have talked to this kid for five minutes. I wish I could have told Billy that it gets better. I wish I could have told him that, however bad things were, however isolated and alone he was, it gets better.

But gay adults aren't allowed to talk to these kids. Schools and churches don't bring us in to talk to teenagers who are being bullied. Many of these kids have homophobic parents who believe that they can prevent their gay children from growing up to be gay—or from ever coming out—by depriving them of information, resources, and positive role models.

Why are we waiting for permission to talk to these kids? We have the ability to talk directly to them right now. We don't have to wait for permission to let them know that it gets better. We can reach these kids.

So here's what you can do, GBVWS: Make a video. Tell them it gets better.

I've launched a channel on YouTube — www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject — to host these videos. My normally camera-shy husband and I already posted one. We both went to Christian schools and we were both bullied—he had it a lot worse than I did—and we are living proof that it gets better. We don't dwell too much on the past. Instead, we talk mostly about all the meaningful things in our lives now—our families, our friends (gay and straight), the places we've gone and things we've experienced—that we would've missed out on if we'd killed ourselves then.

"You gotta give 'em hope," Harvey Milk said.

Today we have the power to give these kids hope. We have the tools to reach out to them and tell our stories and let them know that it does get better. Online support groups are great, GLSEN does amazing work, the Trevor Project is invaluable. But many LGBT youth can't picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can't imagine a future for themselves. So let's show them what our lives are like, let's show them what the future may hold in store for them.

The video my husband and I made is up now—all by itself. I'd like to add submissions from other gay and lesbian adults—singles and couples, with kids or without, established in careers or just starting out, urban and rural, of all races and religious backgrounds. (Go to www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject to find instructions for submitting your video.) If you're gay or lesbian or bi or trans and you've ever read about a kid like Billy Lucas and thought, "Fuck, I wish I could've told him that it gets better," this is your chance. We can't help Billy, but there are lots of other Billys out there—other despairing LGBT kids who are being bullied and harassed, kids who don't think they have a future—and we can help them.

They need to know that it gets better. Submit a video. Give them hope.

Dan wrote more this week:

And here's a thought for people who are thinking about making videos for the It Gets Better Project: Many of the early submitted videos focused on something many gay adults have in common with gay kids—our experiences with being bullied. The pain we endured as kids should be touched on. But it would be great to see more videos that give gay young people a picture of the lives they could make for themselves if they just hang in there. LGBT kids who don't know any LGBT adults need to see—with their own eyes—that gay adults lead happy and rewarding lives. So if you decide to make a video—and I hope that you do—don't just share your pain. Share your joy. Give 'em hope. Save a life. www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject

If you're a lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT) teen, watch some of these videos.

If you're an LGBT adult who is now comfortable with your identity -- in short, if it got better for you -- consider making a video yourself.

If you're a straight adult with an LGBT teen who looks up to you and trusts you -- in your family, your school, your religious or scouting organization -- talk to them about any bullying they've experienced and do what you can to stop it, then point them to these videos.

Thanks for reading.

Vibrator video; You're not a "homo" if you like pegging

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

You can touch yourself ...

Delicious/vickiep

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Qucikies: Savage Love by Dan Savage Posted: 22 Aug 2010 10:46 AM PDT "Here's something you may not know about vaginal penetration ... because it's not something that's typically covered in small-town high-school sex-ed classes: You can touch yourself during vaginal intercourse. Whatever you're doing that's getting you off when you're alone, ICC, do that thing—touch yourself that way."

Vibrators for teens

Delicious/vickiep

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Vibrators for teens - Dan Savage, Savage Love Posted: 04 Aug 2010 06:10 PM PDT "Anyone old enough to have a dick in her tw*t is old enough to have a vibrator in her nightstand. And social and cultural conservatives are apparently unaware of e-commerce. Amazon has a nice selection of vibrators. Young ladies who want a vibrator don't need to be of legal age to enter venues that sell sexual paraphernalia. All they need is internet access and a credit card."

Non-Dominant Pegging

I wrote recently on the Tribe.net group Pegging is for Everyone that I prefer "loving, egalitarian pegging without the femdom stuff." How, some of my friends on the group asked, could a woman pegging a man not be dominant? Allow me to explain.

First, let me tell you about the kind of pegging I like. I like the unusual -- and powerful -- feeling of having a penis between my legs. It may be artificial, but it's always big and hard -- unlike real ones. I like to be the one doing the penetrating instead of always being the one penetrated, the role reversal. Sarah at MyVag.net said it nicely:

Ok... besides being penetrated, I have done a bit of thrusting myself, since the purchase of a shiny blue strap-on dildo. This was something that I was fascinated with for some time before getting to do it. For me, being the person in charge of penetration was not a power trip, it was simply sexy because it involved an entirely different set of movements and actions. Anything new is almost automatically exciting.



Also, while it isn't so much a reversal of who is powerful and who is passive in bed (because I'm almost never passive or submissive in bed), it is a reversal of who is active and who is receptive, if that makes sense. Instead of taking something into me, I get [to] put into somebody else. This can be sexy when it simply involves fingers or kisses, but having hip action involved is much satisfying in the way it relates to fundamental sexual reflexes (want to move hips!).

I like stimulating my man's ass and prostate, which are very sensitive areas that I believe most straight men would enjoy having stimulated more often. I also like to peg him with love and joy for both parties. (Think about it, guys -- and it seems to be men who are less likely to get this -- don't you want to give love and joy when you screw your wife or girlfriend?)

OK, Vickie, some of you are thinking, isn't it still a form of dominance any time a woman is pegging a man in the ass?

I don't think it is necessarily. To explain, let me tell you now about the kind of pegging I don't like. I know about this only from what I've read on the Internet and seen in porn videos, but I believe it exists in the real world. In this kind of pegging, the woman has to force the man into it and/or belittles him once she does. This kind of pegging stems from two related, and mistaken, beliefs about the act. (Note to D/S and femdom folks: I'll have something to say about roleplaying games below.)

Men have to be forced to get pegged, the theory goes, because men don't (or shouldn't) want anything up their asses. As I said before, the anus and prostate are very sensitive organs, and I think almost any man would enjoy pegging if he relaxed and gave it a try (assuming his partner gives him plenty of time, love, and lube.)

A related beliefs goes like this: If a man does want something up his ass, there's something wrong with him. When he is penetrated, he is acting like a woman or a gay man and is therefore less than a real man. There are all kinds of troubling assumptions built in to this one:

1. The one being penetrated is some kind of victim. Anyone on the receiving end of good vaginal or anal sex can tell you this is not true. (It's even built into our language: Why is telling someone to "get fucked" some kind of curse?)


2. Women and gay men are inferior, and a straight man should avoid acting like them in any way. I hope I don't have to refute this one in this day and age.


3. A man who wants to be pegged by a woman is gay. Not true. If you are a man happily having sex with a woman, you are not gay. As sex advice columnist Dan Savage has said, "if a straight woman is doing it to a straight man, it's hetero sex, however uncomfortable it might make some insecure little pricks." Yes, pegging is similar to acts enjoyed by gay men, but so is getting a blowjob, and I don't see any straight men turning down blowjobs from willing women.

I want to point out what Kate wrote to Dan Savage:

Are there any forums out there dedicated to the discussion of pegging for mostly vanilla women? Everything I've come across plays into stereotypes that plague male-on-female anal sex. ("Take my cock up that little ass," etc.) I don't peg my man to work out my aggression, I peg him because the prostate is a wondrous thing. I can't swim with the hardcore kinksters. Is there a pond for vanilla fishes like me?

Pegging Is For Everyone

And received this answer from guest advisor Violet Blue:

"Pegging in most porn is festooned with stereotypes of shame and pain, like most sex in mainstream porn," says Violet. "And unfortunately, these stereotypes have seeped into online sex culture.



"But you don't have to be Mistress Asscrusher and he doesn't have to answer to Worthless Buttslut in order to enjoy strap-on sex. Like I explain in my book, most couples who peg do it because it's fun, intimate, new, exciting, and quite loving. PIFE need not feel isolated. She should start a forum of her own, on a space like Tribe.net, and she'll be pleasantly surprised at how welcome and happy she'll make the many women like herself feel."

Of course, Kate did go on to create the group, Pegging is for Everyone, and those of us who want to practice -- and talk about -- non-dominant pegging will be forever grateful.

(Note to those who are into female dominance [femdom] and male submission: If you like scenes in which the woman is insulting the man for getting pegged, and everybody involved is into it and no one's feelings are getting hurt, I say, more power to you, enjoy!)

Dan Savage on Wiggle Room

Wiggle Room: Savage Love - Dan Savage One woman doesn't like anal sex, another one does, a straight couple likes pegging, and a New Hampshire politician gets grossed out by it all. No, thank you, LBIP, because every time a straight girl sticks something up a straight boy's ass, a bigoted state representative dies a little inside. There you have it. You can strike a blow for sexual freedom (and maybe even legalized same-sex marriage) by pegging someone. Do it today!

She likes to watch

One of Dan Savage's correspondents this week writes:

I'm a hetero girl. I love masturbating, but I get nothing from hetero porn. I can't stand the girls' annoying voices. So I rely on gay porn. I tend to go for what you gay guys call "twinks." (Who the hell is a twink, technically speaking? Please don't tell me it's anything statutory!) I'm not concerned, just curious: I get really intrigued when I meet gay guys in real life because I get off to so many in porn. I would love to watch two twinks in reality at some point, but I'm not sure if gay guys would be into that.

Twink Lover

Don't miss Dan's answer and the comments from other women with similar tastes as T.L.

Savage column: Crossing over

Delicious/vickiep

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Savage Love: Crossing Over Posted: 25 Nov 2009 07:08 AM PST Advice for those having sexual relationships outside their usual orientations

Dan Savage does it again!

Doing Rear Entry Weekly asks:

But then I let a girlfriend "experiment" on my ass. What started out as a kink with her finger has turned into a full-blown fetish with her dildo (non-penis-shaped). I wondered if this might be a sign, so I tried masturbating to some gay porn. Not for me. I still don't have any desire to be with a man sexually, Dan, but I LOVE having my ass pounded. Does that tip the scales toward homo?

Sex columnist Dan Savage answers:

Once again: If a man and a woman are doing it—whatever it is—it's a heterosexual sex act. It doesn't matter who's on top, who's wearing the lingerie, who's being penetrated, or whether the dildo is penis-shaped or Glenn Beck–shaped. If a girl is doing it with/to a boy, it's heterosexual sex.

Read the rest of Dan's column.

A reader thanks Dan Savage

Dan Savage is running fan mail this week at "Savage Love." Naturally, my favorite letter was this one:

I owe you a thank-you. Since I began reading your column over a year ago, I have realized my sexual desires are not perverse (and if they are, certainly nothing to be ashamed of) and began talking with my girlfriend about experimenting with them. As such, the two of us have moved on from anal-sex toys and are now about to embark on full-on pegging. She's as excited about it as I am, and we wouldn't have gotten to such a level of sexual satisfaction if not for the work you do. I'll be thinking of you while my girlfriend bangs my hot ass!

A Devoted Reader