Saturday, April 24, 2010

Non-Dominant Pegging

I wrote recently on the Tribe.net group Pegging is for Everyone that I prefer "loving, egalitarian pegging without the femdom stuff." How, some of my friends on the group asked, could a woman pegging a man not be dominant? Allow me to explain.

First, let me tell you about the kind of pegging I like. I like the unusual -- and powerful -- feeling of having a penis between my legs. It may be artificial, but it's always big and hard -- unlike real ones. I like to be the one doing the penetrating instead of always being the one penetrated, the role reversal. Sarah at MyVag.net said it nicely:

Ok... besides being penetrated, I have done a bit of thrusting myself, since the purchase of a shiny blue strap-on dildo. This was something that I was fascinated with for some time before getting to do it. For me, being the person in charge of penetration was not a power trip, it was simply sexy because it involved an entirely different set of movements and actions. Anything new is almost automatically exciting.



Also, while it isn't so much a reversal of who is powerful and who is passive in bed (because I'm almost never passive or submissive in bed), it is a reversal of who is active and who is receptive, if that makes sense. Instead of taking something into me, I get [to] put into somebody else. This can be sexy when it simply involves fingers or kisses, but having hip action involved is much satisfying in the way it relates to fundamental sexual reflexes (want to move hips!).


I like stimulating my man's ass and prostate, which are very sensitive areas that I believe most straight men would enjoy having stimulated more often. I also like to peg him with love and joy for both parties. (Think about it, guys -- and it seems to be men who are less likely to get this -- don't you want to give love and joy when you screw your wife or girlfriend?)

OK, Vickie, some of you are thinking, isn't it still a form of dominance any time a woman is pegging a man in the ass?

I don't think it is necessarily. To explain, let me tell you now about the kind of pegging I don't like. I know about this only from what I've read on the Internet and seen in porn videos, but I believe it exists in the real world. In this kind of pegging, the woman has to force the man into it and/or belittles him once she does. This kind of pegging stems from two related, and mistaken, beliefs about the act. (Note to D/S and femdom folks: I'll have something to say about roleplaying games below.)

Men have to be forced to get pegged, the theory goes, because men don't (or shouldn't) want anything up their asses. As I said before, the anus and prostate are very sensitive organs, and I think almost any man would enjoy pegging if he relaxed and gave it a try (assuming his partner gives him plenty of time, love, and lube.)

A related beliefs goes like this: If a man does want something up his ass, there's something wrong with him. When he is penetrated, he is acting like a woman or a gay man and is therefore less than a real man. There are all kinds of troubling assumptions built in to this one:

  1. The one being penetrated is some kind of victim. Anyone on the receiving end of good vaginal or anal sex can tell you this is not true. (It's even built into our language: Why is telling someone to "get fucked" some kind of curse?)

  2. Women and gay men are inferior, and a straight man should avoid acting like them in any way. I hope I don't have to refute this one in this day and age.

  3. A man who wants to be pegged by a woman is gay. Not true. If you are a man happily having sex with a woman, you are not gay. As sex advice columnist Dan Savage has said, "if a straight woman is doing it to a straight man, it's hetero sex, however uncomfortable it might make some insecure little pricks." Yes, pegging is similar to acts enjoyed by gay men, but so is getting a blowjob, and I don't see any straight men turning down blowjobs from willing women.


I want to point out what Kate wrote to Dan Savage:

Are there any forums out there dedicated to the discussion of pegging for mostly vanilla women? Everything I've come across plays into stereotypes that plague male-on-female anal sex. ("Take my cock up that little ass," etc.) I don't peg my man to work out my aggression, I peg him because the prostate is a wondrous thing. I can't swim with the hardcore kinksters. Is there a pond for vanilla fishes like me?

Pegging Is For Everyone


And received this answer from guest advisor Violet Blue:

"Pegging in most porn is festooned with stereotypes of shame and pain, like most sex in mainstream porn," says Violet. "And unfortunately, these stereotypes have seeped into online sex culture.



"But you don't have to be Mistress Asscrusher and he doesn't have to answer to Worthless Buttslut in order to enjoy strap-on sex. Like I explain in my book, most couples who peg do it because it's fun, intimate, new, exciting, and quite loving. PIFE need not feel isolated. She should start a forum of her own, on a space like Tribe.net, and she'll be pleasantly surprised at how welcome and happy she'll make the many women like herself feel."


Of course, Kate did go on to create the group, Pegging is for Everyone, and those of us who want to practice -- and talk about -- non-dominant pegging will be forever grateful.

(Note to those who are into female dominance [femdom] and male submission: If you like scenes in which the woman is insulting the man for getting pegged, and everybody involved is into it and no one's feelings are getting hurt, I say, more power to you, enjoy!)

13 comments:

  1. What a great post. I agree with you 100%, when I surf for pegging porn I find a ton of dominatrix stuff in dungeons where the dude is wimpering and the woman is forcing it upon him! Not into that. I'm going to link to this post on my blog!

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  2. I just ran across and agree as well. My wife and have not done pegging before, but would consider it just pleasure between us. And not some dom/sub extreme.

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  3. Social Pegging has a pretty good site with a large majority leaning to the type of pegging described above. More of this understanding is needed to be rid of the social toboos.

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  4. This is a great post. I'm a single male, and would love to meet a woman who is interested in pegging me. I'm not sure how to find that though? Any suggestions? I'd love to be in a relationship with someone who enjoyed that. Unfortunately, I'm kinda shy and just haven't dated anyone in several years. What do you think?

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  5. I think that the use of a strap on is erotic and kinky, but not submissive. Let's face it, it feels great! If it feels good, then you should do it! It's about pleasure, not submission!

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  6. To Anonymous of Nov. 17:

    You might try signing up for Tribe (www.tribe.net) and joining the group, "Pegging is for Everyone." It was started by a woman looking for like-minded people who believe pegging does not have to be a dominant act.

    You might also try Social Pegging. I haven't tried it myself, but the organizer has commented here and says it's for people like us.

    Good luck, Anon. I hope you find a woman who will give your ass the kind of loving it craves!

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  7. What a great post.... My wife and I have been pegging for just a few months now, and we both find it an incredible experience.

    My wife says that she gets a bit of a power trip from the situation, but also really get's off watching me have multiple orgasms. There's no humiliation involved in what we do what-so-ever.....

    I'm also a member of the social pegging website community, and would recomend it to anyone who's interested. There are loads of couples & experienced peggers who will happily answer any questions you'd care to ask us... so feel free to visit www.socialpegging.com and look for Cally (that's me).. There are also plenty of photo's and stories posted by the members to fire your immaginations.

    Cheers... Cally xxx

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  8. Thank you for the posts. I have been happily married for 25 years. We haven't gone there yet but I hope we do eventually. Not into the whole D/s thing either. But loving pegging definitely interests me. Not sure about my wife ..she wants and needs the very masculine male side of me in the bedroom so this may never happen.

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  9. Thanks for writing, sweetie. I hope you can bring it up to your wife and that she's willing to give it a try.

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  10. Love this post.

    I was a part of that Tribe "Pegging is for Everyone" and it seemed to be rather un-moderated; people posting D/s porn photos, etc.

    So I wrote Kate and asked her if she still had any interest in the group - could I take it over? She gladly turned over the group and I renamed it "Pegging 101".
    http://tribes.tribe.net/pegging101

    Keeping Kate's initial intent in mind, I attempt to walk the line between D/s and non-dominant pegging in the group, not allowing humiliation and degradation and other stuff that really belongs in the BDSM group.

    I like that people are discovering pegging can be done any way you want to do it and can be particularly enjoyable as a loving, sensual act - despite all the bad porn!

    Thanks for your part in spreading the word, Vickie. We are changing the pegging world, one strap-on at a time!

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  11. You bet, Ruby! Thanks for the update.

    Vickie

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  12. most pegging porn videos inevitably fall into the bdsm category. BOB was great but it was more educational than visual! some homemade amateur pegging videos actually look more realistic and does not involve a mistress crushing some sissy's ass

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  13. Thanks. I like the amateur stuff, too. (Try clicking on the tag "amateurs" at right.)

    Also, on those rare occasions when strap-on sex is included in MMF threesome scenes, it's often in a loving (or at least not D/s) way.

    Vickie

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