Note: You should probably read this piece's sister essay, I hate foreplay, before reading this one.
I hate intercourse.
Don't get me wrong. I love screwing. I love having part of my man inside me -- his beautiful penis in my pussy. I love the way he moves, making me feel good, making himself feel good. I love to touch my clit as he fills me, making myself feel even better. I love when he explodes, leaving his juice in my pussy.
What I dislike is the assumption that all heterosexual activity will result in penis-vaginal intercourse. The idea that if you haven't had intercourse, you haven't had sex. (This dutiful doing-it-because-you're-supposed-to is what I call intercourse. When you're doing it because you want to, that I call screwing.)
So, I've let The Boyfriend know that when we get into bed:
- Screwing is not guaranteed.
- His orgasm is not guaranteed (but mine is).
The first rule ensures that we keep in mind that sex encompasses acts other than intercourse, and we only screw when we both really want to. Now, since The Boyfriend wants to screw every time we get in bed, that means, by necessity, that I have veto power.
The second rule comes about because of the facts of life:
- Time for sexual activity is finite.
- Most women don't have an orgasm from intercourse (or screwing) alone.
Sooner or later, we all have to get out of bed to go to work, care for family members, do chores, etc. So, in my limited time for sex, I can:
- Have x orgasms from sexual activities that make me come, then screw The Boyfriend (or give him a blowjob or a handjob), so he gets to come, or
- Have x orgasms from sexual activities that make me come, then deny The Boyfriend an orgasm and have y more orgasms in that time myself.
Now, most of the time, I'm a considerate and caring lover and go for option A. But sometimes, I get greedy and go for option B. I get to masturbate, receive cunnilingus, screw him if I want, have as many orgasms as I want, but he doesn't get to come if I don't let him. I have to admit it's a turn-on when I have been satisfied with multiple orgasms and I see his erect penis twitching and aching to come.
If I deny him an orgasm, he's on his honor not to give himself one for at least 24 hours thereafter. If I catch him breaking this rule, I may have to apply a male chastity device to his penis
I don't believe in retributive justice for a whole gender, but I would point out that, for centuries, when a man and woman got in bed, the man was assured of having an orgasm, but the woman wasn't. In our relationship, anyway, that paradigm is reversed.
You may call me a femdom (or worse). You may call what we do a female-led relationship, or orgasm control, or orgasm denial, but it works for us.
Here's an illustration (click on it to see full size). The first graph is the usual paradigm. The second is what I'm advocating.
