What do I like? My sexual paradigm

I've written that I hate foreplay and I hate intercourse. (If you haven't read those sister essays, please read them before reading this one.)

So, what do I like? I made a long list of sexual activities. I like doing most of these things. The list is not exhaustive, though. Use your imagination! If something seems sexual to you -- as long as it involves consenting adults -- it probably is. The point is, there are many kinds of sexual activities. If you are engaging in one or more of them, you are having sex. It's still sex even if you don't do intercourse/screwing.

So, that's the first rule: penile-vaginal intercourse is optional. You should do it if both partners want to do it. Since straight men, in my experience, want to do it every time they get in bed, that gives the woman an effective veto. If she doesn't want it, it doesn't happen. Ladies, if you want your man to lick your pussy instead of screwing, have him do that. If you want him to watch as you masturbate, do that. If you want him to use his penis to pleasure your vulva, but not put it inside your vagina (outercourse), do that. If you want to screw him for a while but stop before he comes, do that. Do what makes you feel good.

That leads to my second rule: the woman's orgasm is NOT optional. Ladies, when you get in bed, you should resolve to come as much as you want. If you get caught up in your own orgasms and your man doesn't get to come before it's time to go to sleep or get the kids, so be it.

What if your man just wants to masturbate to orgasm?

If that's all he wants, it seems churlish to say no. However, if the woman just doesn't have the energy or the interest to put up with her man jerking off in her presence, I think she is within her rights to tell him to take care of that in another time or place. (If the couple practices male orgasm denial, she can tell him not to do it at all, but that's a post for another day.)

Vickie, you get to have as many of your orgasms as you want, however you want. You get to masturbate in front of your partner. Yet your man might not get to do any of these things. Isn't that a double standard?

I am convinced that the female orgasm is superior to that of the male in quality as well as quantity. A woman meeds some scope to get as much satisfaction from her orgasms as possible. Sometimes, there just won't be time enough for the male orgasm.

Also, for centuries, men were assured of the primacy of their orgasms. They got to come every time they got in bed with a woman. The women? Not so much. It's time for the primacy of the female orgasm. If some male orgasms are sacrificed, I'm OK with that.

On a more personal note, The Boyfriend and I are moving to a Female Led Relationship (FLR). This is a step in our relationship. Control the penis (and its orgasm), and you control the man. If any of this intrigues you, I urge you to discuss it with your partner and give it a try.

I hate intercourse

Note: You should probably read this piece's sister essay, I hate foreplay, before reading this one.

I hate intercourse.

Don't get me wrong. I love screwing. I love having part of my man inside me -- his beautiful penis in my pussy. I love the way he moves, making me feel good, making himself feel good. I love to touch my clit as he fills me, making myself feel even better. I love when he explodes, leaving his juice in my pussy.

What I dislike is the assumption that all heterosexual activity will result in penis-vaginal intercourse. The idea that if you haven't had intercourse, you haven't had sex. (This dutiful doing-it-because-you're-supposed-to is what I call intercourse. When you're doing it because you want to, that I call screwing.)

So, I've let The Boyfriend know that when we get into bed:

• Screwing is not guaranteed.
• His orgasm is not guaranteed (but mine is).

The first rule ensures that we keep in mind that sex encompasses acts other than intercourse, and we only screw when we both really want to. Now, since The Boyfriend wants to screw every time we get in bed, that means, by necessity, that I have veto power.

The second rule comes about because of the facts of life:

1. Time for sexual activity is finite.
2. Most women don't have an orgasm from intercourse (or screwing) alone.

Sooner or later, we all have to get out of bed to go to work, care for family members, do chores, etc. So, in my limited time for sex, I can:

1. Have x orgasms from sexual activities that make me come, then screw The Boyfriend (or give him a blowjob or a handjob), so he gets to come, or
2. Have x orgasms from sexual activities that make me come, then deny The Boyfriend an orgasm and have y more orgasms in that time myself.

Now, most of the time, I'm a considerate and caring lover and go for option A. But sometimes, I get greedy and go for option B. I get to masturbate, receive cunnilingus, screw him if I want, have as many orgasms as I want, but he doesn't get to come if I don't let him. I have to admit it's a turn-on when I have been satisfied with multiple orgasms and I see his erect penis twitching and aching to come.

If I deny him an orgasm, he's on his honor not to give himself one for at least 24 hours thereafter. If I catch him breaking this rule, I may have to apply a male chastity device to his penis

I don't believe in retributive justice for a whole gender, but I would point out that, for centuries, when a man and woman got in bed, the man was assured of having an orgasm, but the woman wasn't. In our relationship, anyway, that paradigm is reversed.

You may call me a femdom (or worse). You may call what we do a female-led relationship, or orgasm control, or orgasm denial, but it works for us.

Here's an illustration (click on it to see full size). The first graph is the usual paradigm. The second is what I'm advocating.

Vickie's Vocabulary: Cock Tease

From time to time, I will add new terms to Vickie's Vocabulary.

Cock Tease

Practice in which a man's partner stimulates his penis, but denies him intercourse or a fulfilling orgasm. See also Orgasm denial and Ruined orgasm.

• Pornhub: My Tease and denial playlist

On orgasm denial, semen retention, prostate massage, and ruined orgasm

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Prostate Milking and Femdom

Just when I think I understand boyparts, this comes along: Another very effective milking technique has a whole bunch of lovely tips for prostate milking your man (such as, "You just have to be careful that you never, ever touch the head of his penis" *), then this:

But strangely, he doesn’t really cum that way, it’s not like a real orgasm where he spurts his cum all over. To hear him describe it, and from what I’ve read about it, it’s not really sexually pleasurable for a man. It’s more frustrating than pleasurable. Like intensely frustrating. My hubby describes it as getting close to cumming… getting close… getting close… getting really close… and then “OH FUCK!”… not being able to cum.

The "submissive transvestite" who blogs at In Stockings agrees. In a post called Ass Whore, he describes riding "Miss H"'s strapon:

I felt a rather week feeling of cumming and looked down to see a huge puddle of cum flooding across Miss H's stomach. We both kind of looked at each other in shock and I rolled off of her, both of us smiling ear to ear. It was definitely something new for each of us. I never felt that kind of building pressure in my cock followed by an orgasm and release the way I would if I were just masturbating or having regular sex. Instead it was more of a pleasurable sensation followed by ejaculation with little if any orgasm involved. While it was nice, it had all the drawbacks of cumming (feeling instantly out of the mood for anything else sexual) and none of the bonuses (experiencing the pleasure of a full orgasm). Which actually puts it even behind a standard ruined orgasm on the pleasure scale.

This was certainly news to me! I thought that when a man comes (ejaculates), he comes (orgasms). No need to guess, as you guys sometimes need to do with us women. But if it's possible to make him come (ejaculate) without letting him come (orgasm), do you know what this means? Why, I can have my cake and eat it, too, so to speak! If I'm in the mood to deny The Boyfriend an orgasm -- and I am sometimes -- I can milk his prostate.

I get:

• To play with his butt


• To see him come (ejaculate)


• To deny him coming (orgasming)

He gets:

• Prostate stimulation

Advantage: Vickie!

* This is very important, because if you give him too much penile stimulation at the same time you are giving him prostate stimulation (stroke and poke, you might say), you might give him the ultimate male orgasm, according to Svetlana at Sex Secrets. That's nice, too, of course, but it's a very different outcome if you were planning to deny your man a real orgasm.

Tip of the dildo to New Ryder for the first post.

Masturbation Instruction

I've discovered a new genre of video (new to me, anyway). It's called masturbation instruction (substitute the slang term of your choice). I can't imagine many men on the Internet need instructions in how to masturbate, but that's not really what these are about anyway. They're more like masturbation commands.

I've only seen a few of these, so I'm not sure how much I can generalize, but I'll try. Basically, a woman, fully or mostly clothed, comes onscreen and tells the (male) viewer how he should be masturbating -- how fast, what strokes, and most importantly, when he is allowed to (and must) come for her. I guess they're a kind of femdom* and also a species of the subgenre CFNM, since the woman may be clothed, but the man watching her: not so much.

Tip of, er, something to Married Sub, who alerted me to these videos. See his favorite masturbation instruction video.

(*) When I go looking for pegging material, I often come across femdom stuff, since people often associate the two, even though pegging doesn't have to include female dominance. But, then, some people like it and that's cool, too.

Update: Married Sub's comment below and recent post reminded me of yet another related genre: orgasm denial.

Masturbatrix defined

Hey hi, all,

The good folks at Urban Dictionary have accepted my definition for masturbatrix. This is it:

A woman who masturbates a man, often with the purpose of teasing him by denying him an orgasm.

The masturbatrix stroked his cock for an hour but wouldn't let him come.

Much better than the other definition they have, if I do say so myself.

Denial

"What??!"

That was my boyfriend's reaction when I told him on Monday that I wanted us to refrain from sex for a little while.

"It's just that I think you take me for granted sometimes," I started to explain.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"Think about last week, when you went to Chicago for five days and called me -- what? -- once?"

"I'm sorry, lovey," he said trying to sweet talk me.

"You should be," I shot back, "and if you went without sex for a little while, you'd appreciate me more."

"All right, hon, if that's what you want," he said grudgingly.

I knew what he was thinking, though. On the occasional night when he wants sex and I don't, he stays up after I go to bed and, um, takes care of his own urges. That's why I took all of his DVDs — MILF videos, strap-on videos, MFF and MMF threesome videos — and all of his magazines — Playboys with his favorite centerfolds from the '80s — and locked them up. I also password-protected the computer, so he couldn't surf the Web for porn either.

On Tuesday morning, he asked, "Hey, baby, have you seen my videos and stuff?"

"You mean your wanking material? I put it away for a while."

"I'm not allowed to jerk off either??!"

"I said I wanted us to refrain from sex. Masturbation is sex, too."

"I guess that's why I can't use the computer. I need it for work sometimes, you know."

"I'll log you on and let you use it, but only when I'm around."

(I have to be honest here. Even though I said I wanted us to refrain from sex and that masturbation is sex, that didn't stop me from jilling off in the shower ever day. The sight of him in sexual frustration and the thought of what I'd do when I relieved him made me too horny to avoid touching myself.)

That night, my boyfriend did the dishes right after dinner. It's one of his chores anyway, but he's not usually so prompt.

Wednesday night, he vacuumed the carpet.

Thursday night, he put together a patio chair that broke months ago. I've never seen such an industrious man!

Friday morning, I woke at 5 a.m. and whispered in the ear of my still-sleeping boyfriend, "It's that time, baby." I reached under the covers and ran my hand along his nude body to discover, not surprisingly, that he had "morning wood." I stripped out of my pj's and panties and mounted his hard cock.

At this point, my boyfriend was wide awake. His brows were furrowed. He looked turned on and a little afraid at the same time. It must have been my stern look.

"Listen up, boyo," I barked. "You get to fuck me, but I decide the positions and I decide when you get to come. Got it?"

"Yes," he squeaked.

"Know what happens if you come too soon?"

"No."

"You've had four days without an orgasm. How would you like to make it eight days?"

"I understand, Miss Victoria."

(I've trained him to call me that when I'm feeling dominant. Nice, huh?)

I rode his cock ever so slowly. It was just enough movement to fill me up, but not enough friction to get him off. I reached down and stroked my clitoris and came almost instantly. The scene was really turning me on.

I rubbed myself to orgasm several more times, then dismounted. My boyfriend's face fell; his cock, on the other hand, was standing tall.

"You'll get to fuck me some more, silly," I said. "You can take me doggie style, but you're still not allowed to come."

I got on all fours, and he grabbed my ass and inserted his cock into my pussy. After several thrusts, he realized something was missing from our usual practice.

"Um, Miss Victoria, would you please reach back and tickle my balls?"

"Not this time, chum," I snapped. "I don't want you to come too soon."

So, I tickled my own genitalia instead and came multiple times.

I leaned forward, causing his cock to fall out again, and lay down on the bed.

"You can take me missionary, but you can't put more than an inch of your cock in me. And you have to make slow thrusts."

He groaned a little, but of course he agreed. After all, that was the only way he was getting any sex today. I lay on the bed and let him enter me.

He did as he was told — putting a little more than the head of his cock into my pussy and thrusting slowly.

"Would you like me to tickle your balls now?"

"Yes, Miss Victoria, please tickle my balls."

As I reached down, I warned him again, "Remember, no coming — yet."

The poor man was in delicious agony. The sensations he felt in his cock and his balls tantalized him. He moaned with the desire to let lose, yet his woman wouldn't let him come. I almost felt sorry for him. I would have felt sorry for him if his torments weren't turning me on so much.

"OK, baby, give it to me."

"Miss Victoria?"

"Yes, do it!"

I felt his cock explode into me. Wave upon wave of his come burst into me.

He came to rest upon me. Soon the clock radio went off, and as my man bustled around getting ready for work, I lay in bed dreamily with a pool of his essence inside of me.

Outercourse (non-penetrative sex)

Suppose you're having sex with a man, but you don't want to put his penis in your vagina, anus, or mouth.

Why would I want to do that?

You might want to do this in order to:

• Reduce the risk of sexually transmitted diseases
• Reduce the risk of pregnancy
• Save intercourse for later
• Be intimate when you can't have intercourse because of health issues
  
• Deny your partner an orgasm
• Try something new and hot

Whoa, back up there, Vickie. "Deny your partner an orgasm"? What??!

Yes, it's true; some women and men are turned on by the idea of not letting the man come during sex. However, these practices don't require the man not to come. He can still get off, if that's what's desired.

OK, Vickie, but are these practices really sex?

The practices I'm referring to are known as non-penetrative sex. They are also sometimes called outercourse. Some of them come under the name of frottage.

But what is it exactly, Vickie?

Non-penetrative sex acts (outercourse) include:

• Kissing
• Talking dirty
• Phone sex, text sex, etc.
• Nipple play
  
• Stroking yourself (masturbation)
• Stroking your partner (mutual/shared masturbation, handjob)
• Rubbing the external parts of the female genitalia (vulva, clitoris) with hands, foot, penis, etc.
  
• Rubbing the penis with hands, foot, breasts, thighs, buttocks, vulva, anal entrance, etc.
  
• Frottage ("dry humping")
  

But, Vickie, is it hot sex?

Still not sure non-penetrative sex can be hot? Check out this video featuring porn star Liza Harper.

Do you practice non-penetrative sex? If so, what do you do and why? Tell us about it in the comments below. You can do it anonymously if you want.