I hate foreplay

I hate "foreplay."

Don't get me wrong: I love the acts usually comprehended by that term. When I'm in bed with The Boyfriend, I am not overly hasty to get to the screwing part of the program.

I hate the word "foreplay." I hate the implication that all of those delicious acts are just a prelude to — and inferior to — intercourse, that "sex" means intercourse and everything else is not sex.

Here is my definition of "sex":

The entire gamut of intimate and loving human contact. It can involve genitalia, anuses, mouths, hands, and other organs. It is not limited to intercourse.

Some things to note about this:

• It has to be "intimate and loving." A gynecological exam is not sex. Rape is not sex.
• The genitalia or anus involved could be your own. Masturbation is sex.

All of the following are sex:

• A hand on a breast
• A hand on male genitalia
• A finger (or hand) in an anus
• A hand on or in female genitalia
• A mouth on a breast
• A mouth on male genitalia
• A mouth on an anus
• A mouth on or in female genitalia
• A sextoy on a breast
• A sextoy on male genitalia
• A sextoy on or in an anus
• A sextoy on or in female genitalia
• A breast on a breast
• A breast on female genitalia
• A breast on male genitalia
• Female genitalia on female genitalia
• Male genitalia on male genitalia
• Male genitalia on female genitalia
• A penis on or in an anus
• A penis on or in a vagina

Notes:

• Male genitalia includes penis, balls — the whole package.
• Female genitalia includes vagina, vulva, labia, clitoris — the whole package.

Frot

In honor's of today's Super Bowl, which features men butting heads, I give you this post about men butting heads. Enjoy.

As a straight woman, I may never understand all the mysteries of gay male sexuality. But, thanks to the Interwebs, I learn things. Turns out there's a dispute about some of the most basic aspects of male sexuality.

One paradigm of male sexuality is that, at his most primal level, a man wants to penetrate the body of his lover through a suitable orifice. (Sorry for the clinical language, but I'm trying to keep this orientation-neutral.) This -- the thinking goes -- is what all men want; this is the most intimate act they can imagine. This explains why a heterosexual man wants to have intercourse with his female lover by inserting his penis into her vagina. And, if the theory is true, a homosexual man wants to have intercourse with his male lover by inserting his penis into the other man's anus.

But what if that paradigm is not the whole story? What if it's actually false?

Another paradigm goes like this: man wants to rub his genitals against those of his lover. In that case, the heterosexual man would still want to have vaginal intercourse with his female lover. But what about the homosexual man? Under this paradigm, he would want to rub his penis against the penis of his lover. And what about anal intercourse? Well, the anus isn't part of the genitalia, of course, so if you're doing that, it could only be in "pale imitation" of heterosexual intercourse, according to this theory.

Does anybody really do this? It's called frottage or frot. Apparently, it's practiced by a minority of gay men.

Does anybody really advocate that gay men practice frottage to the exclusion of anal intercourse? At least one person does: Bill Weintraub, who has the web site Heroic Homo Sex. There you will find many essays advocating frottage for gay men and pictures depicting the act. (He even says that since intercourse results in a "top" and a "bottom," it produces an inherently unequal relationship. I think millions of women who consider themselves feminists and also have intercourse with men would beg to differ with that conclusion.)

Aren't there enough people out there telling gay men what to do (and not do) in the bedroom? Do they really need it from one of their own?

However, if I were to express my own preference -- from a purely selfish point of view -- I would prefer they engage in anal intercourse, rather than frottage, simply because the former affords more scope for a woman to get involved. If two guys are screwing and a woman is invited to join in, she can:

1. Give the bottom guy a handjob


2. Suck the bottom guy's cock


3. Get her pussy licked by either guy


4. Have 69 with the bottom guy


5. Screw the bottom guy


6. Screw the top guy with a strap-on

If you're interested in seeing what frottage is all about, you can watch a 47-minute video with many frottage scenes.

Note 1: This post fulfills my promise to write about penises being rubbed together.

Note 2: Frottage is a consensual act between adults. It is not to be confused with what frotteurs do: non-consensual rubbing, often in public places (for example, a man rubbing himself against women in a crowded subway). That is not cool and often illegal.

Outercourse (non-penetrative sex)

Suppose you're having sex with a man, but you don't want to put his penis in your vagina, anus, or mouth.

Why would I want to do that?

You might want to do this in order to:

• Reduce the risk of sexually transmitted diseases
• Reduce the risk of pregnancy
• Save intercourse for later
• Be intimate when you can't have intercourse because of health issues
  
• Deny your partner an orgasm
• Try something new and hot

Whoa, back up there, Vickie. "Deny your partner an orgasm"? What??!

Yes, it's true; some women and men are turned on by the idea of not letting the man come during sex. However, these practices don't require the man not to come. He can still get off, if that's what's desired.

OK, Vickie, but are these practices really sex?

The practices I'm referring to are known as non-penetrative sex. They are also sometimes called outercourse. Some of them come under the name of frottage.

But what is it exactly, Vickie?

Non-penetrative sex acts (outercourse) include:

• Kissing
• Talking dirty
• Phone sex, text sex, etc.
• Nipple play
  
• Stroking yourself (masturbation)
• Stroking your partner (mutual/shared masturbation, handjob)
• Rubbing the external parts of the female genitalia (vulva, clitoris) with hands, foot, penis, etc.
  
• Rubbing the penis with hands, foot, breasts, thighs, buttocks, vulva, anal entrance, etc.
  
• Frottage ("dry humping")
  

But, Vickie, is it hot sex?

Still not sure non-penetrative sex can be hot? Check out this video featuring porn star Liza Harper.

Do you practice non-penetrative sex? If so, what do you do and why? Tell us about it in the comments below. You can do it anonymously if you want.